


God, I hope this year is better than the last

by breathing_underwater24



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Amira being an incredible friend, Angst, David being perfect as usual, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Matteo is smitten, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-04-23 04:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19143892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathing_underwater24/pseuds/breathing_underwater24
Summary: Matteo is about to get expelled from college unless he delivers a last-minute assignment. Luckily, a gorgeous film student called David offers to help him with it. And Matteo is dumb enough to fall in love.





	1. Beany boy

They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up. –David Wallace

 

“Are you hearing me Matteo?” a snap finger brings him back to reality.  
“Mm…yeah” mumbles Matteo while he feels his heart sinking. Is an e-mail from Professor Bösh telling him he needs to deliver his final project tomorrow or else he will fail (again) another class.  
“What is that?” Amira hovers over him to read whatever Matteo is watching but he turns off his phone.  
“Nothing”.  
Amira looks him suspiciously but she knows better than to ask.  
“I must go, see you later. Bye.” Matteo doesn’t wait for Amira's response.  
He needs to smoke. The panic in his chest is growing, wrapping him, consuming him while he walks to his dorm. He needs the numbness that comes with the weed.

Another class failed. Matteo knows what this means, he hasn't told anyone, not even Jonas. He knows he is a failure but doesn’t need to confirm it to the world. He walks mind-absently but when he looks through his backpack he realizes he forgot his key. Fuck. He knocks one, two, three times but no one answers. Jonas is almost never in the dorm, he is always too busy assisting to protests or whatever political science students do, or in the student council or with Hannah. 

Matteo is the one to spend all day asleep, smoking or playing any game that can turn his mind off. He sends Jonas a quick text asking for his key. Jonas answers he is in the computer center but he can pass by. Another day Matteo would have just called Abdi or Carlos to play videogames or anything else to distract himself but he really needs a smoke, so he goes.

He pushes the door with effort and sees Jonas in the middle of a small circle, all political students guessing by their posting sings saying Save the planet! Or Capitalism is the problem. One girl has a black shirt saying: Fuck the system. A banner draws his attention, is a painting of a forest and it has a clipping of birds. Matteo doesn’t know what that is, all he knows it is weird…and beautiful.  
“Hey bro!” Jonas claps him in the back. He sees Matteo staring and smiles. “Pretty awesome right? David, over there did it” Jonas points to a boy with a beanie laughing at something a girl with a red t-shirt says. Matteo recognizes the girl, is Leonie, she used to date Jonas in high school. He didn't know she was also in all this socially conscious and shit. And the boy Jonas called David…all he sees is big brown eyes, a septum piercing and black hair. He is wearing black pants and black t-shirt and a grey sweater. 

“Earth to Matteo” Jonas waves a hand across his face tilting his keys.  
“Na?” Matteo blinks twice and looks at Jonas who is watching him amused. “You zoned out bro, you okay?”  
“Yeah, sure. Thanks for the keys man”.  
“Just don't lose him like the last time” warns Jonas.  
“Mm-” he mumbles in response and goes out of the computer center as quickly as he can.

There won't be next time Jonas, I will get kicked out and you won't miss me. You will find another roommate, a better roommate, a better friend. Someone who isn't stupid enough to fall for you and can get up from bed before 3pm.

He feels his hands shaky. He feels shaky. The pain is ripping me in half, that was what he wanted to answer to Jonas. And I can't breathe. 

But he just walks to his dorm anxiously, fiddling with the keys. 

-

He should be doing his project. He knows he should. But what is the worst that can happen? Getting expelled, whispers a voice in his head while he takes another hit. But he can bring himself to care, he really wants to. It's just each day that passes is a fight that he is losing, and a while ago he stop caring about losing.

Someone knocks the door. He smashes his cigarette and turns on the light. Jonas knows he smokes but he doesn't want him to find Matteo in the dark with his depressing thoughts. When he opens the door Hanna smiles.

“Hi Matteo” she says sweetly giving him a kiss in the cheek but then walking backwards and frowns. “You were smoking” she says sounding more like an affirmation than a question. Matteo just shrugs. Hanna is very nice and they used to be close in high school before the mess Matteo made. Now they still talk but not often.

“Jonas isn't here; he is at some protest against climate change or something”.  
Matteo just wants her to go so he can resume smoking but Hannah just smiles.

“Yeah, he told me”.

The silence stretches. So what is she doing here?  
“It's just…it's been a while since the last time we talked. And I know we are in mid-terms so I was hoping we could study together. You know, I plan to pull an all-nighter and it would be cool to have company.

Matteo wanted to say no and shut the door. But Hanna was one of the few people he couldn't bring himself to be an asshole. Especially since they used to be close in high school until the mess Matteo made. They still talked sometimes but it was never the same. Admittedly, it was a little weird but some tiny part of him was screaming at Matteo, telling him he couldn't get expelled because of a stupid assignment.

“Okay”.

-

Matteo couldn't remember what the project was and he dreaded opening his e-mail. He though Hanna wanted to talk but apparently she was serious on the studying stuff. He played with his pen, while looking to the black screen of the computer. He hadn't even bothered to turn it on.

“Hey, are you using this computer?” a soft voice startled him. Big brown eyes looked at him curious. Matteo felt a flip in his stomach, it was beanie boy. “N-no” he stumbled upon his words while beanie boy sat next to him.

“David?” Hanna was staring at them across the table with a big smile and got up to hug David.  
“Hey Hanna, we missed you in the protest today”.  
“I know, Jonas told me but I have this stupid exam tomorrow so…  
“Same, have to send my project before tomorrow at 10 a.m”.

Matteo looks wordless watching them. Does everyone in college know beany boy? 

“Oh sorry, this is Matteo”. Hanna motions toward him.  
“Hey” says Matteo while David smiles. Beautiful smile, the though flickers in Matteo's mind but he ignores it. “David” he shakes hands with him. Matteo thinks it's a little odd someone greeting him that way but nevertheless they shake hands. Hanna makes small talk with David about some film and then returns to the table next to them to continue studying. Matteo turns on the computer trying to ignore the boy next to him. Is going to be a long night.


	2. What do you like?

It was fucking freezing. He should have brought another jacket. Matteo was grabbing his lighter when the door opened, it was David. His hand trembles a little but he manages to light his joint. David gives him a kind smile and before Matteo knows what he's doing he asks him.

“Fancy a joint?” He suspected mysterious art-guys like David would smoke but the hesitation in David's face makes him reconsider that.   
“Sure” David takes the joint Matteo offered after a few seconds. Matteo thinks on something cool to say but he doesn't know shit about climate change or art. Maybe he could ask him about Zelda? He wasn't sure if David was the kind of guy who played videogames.   
“So…how do you know Hanna?” David asks passing the joint.   
Mateo grabs it to take a drag and exhales. Now he is jittery.   
“High school. She is my best friend's girlfriend”. Yup, that mostly resumes it.  
“You're Jonas best friend”? David is surprised and doesn't even tried to hide it.  
Matteo feels a little defensive. Why was he giving him that look? Sure, he may be a stoner and a failure in comparison to Jonas but David didn't know that. Was it so evident? No matter how gorgeous this guy was, maybe he is an asshole.  
“Yup. That's me. Why?” In another time Matteo would have just invented an excuse and exit but he needed to know. Maybe the whole world did just think him like the stoner kid who wouldn't even graduate. The hard part is it was true.

“Nothing bad, I swear” David raised his hands. “It's just today he was complaining about how his best friend always loses his keys and on top of that never wants to go to protests with him”.

Ok, maybe he wasn't an asshole but did Jonas had to make him look that bad with the most gorgeous boy he has ever met?

“Politics is not my thing” Matteo regrets it as soon as he says it but David just laughs.  
“I see”.  
Matteo nods as he knew what is David thinking and passes him the joint.  
There is a silence but it is comfortable. Matteo likes quiet, but something about David makes him to want to say more, not less.  
“So…you studying for mid-terms?”.  
“Mm-h, actually I am editing a short film for class” David pauses and his eyes flick up and down Matteo. He feels himself flushing with David's gaze.  
“Actually, a pair of fresh eyes would help a lot. I've been rewatching it for two days straight, I don't know what else to change”.  
“Maybe there's nothing else to change. But sure, I can take a look”.  
David smiles widely again. “How kind of you”.  
“I am a very kind person” Matteo jokes although no one ever has described him as kind.  
“I am sure. So, are you studying for exams?”. Matteo had forgotten for a moment his assignment and what that meant. The knot on his stomach grew and takes a long drag.  
“Something like that”.  
David waits for him to explain more   
“I have to deliver a project for Professor Bösh”.  
“Damn! Bösh is a tough one”.  
The knot tightens more.  
“Good to know” Matteo finishes the joint and wants to roll another one but is in his backpack. He desperately wants one but he doesn't want to stop talking with David.

“I had him last semester though. If you give him the projects in time he's pretty accessible”. David smiles kindly as if Matteo were a good student that does his homework. “When do you have to deliver it?”.  
“Tomorrow”.  
David's eyes pop in surprise and Matteo wonders how brown eyes can have so many shades. And the longest eyelashes.  
“Man. Have you started yet?”.  
“No”.   
Matteo expects David looking at him with pity or horror for his lazy ass but instead David laughs. “Matteo”.  
It may be his favorite sound. He didn't know his name could sound like that. He wants to ask David to repeat it all over again.  
“Let's make a deal. You'll help me with my short and I will help you with your assignment”.  
Matteo doesn't think twice.  
“Deal”.

-  
“Ah! You managed to get Matteo working” Hanna smiles at both of them while Matteo scrambles some notes of the basics of the assignment while David tells him what things Bösh looks for in works. He wishes people stop saying things like that in front of David.  
“He's managing himself pretty well” says David confidently. Matteo feels a sort of pride welling in his chest.  
“Of course. Anyway, I must get going, it's pretty late. See you later”. Hanna waves and leaves. Matteo looks at his phone. It's 1:00am. He hadn't noticed how late it was, it had seemed like minutes but it had been hours. He watches as Hanna leaves, it was strange her behavior, he had though she wanted to talk.  
“You okay?” David frowns with concern.  
“Yup, all good” says Matteo.  
“Okay, well, first, he really likes essays but he likes more when you use graphics to explain things. Have you decided on a topic yet?”.  
Matteo shakes his head, he barely remembers the name of the course, something about globalization.  
David nods patiently. “You should talk about something you know and link it with the themes in class”.  
A pause.  
“What do you know? What do you like?” David's voice carries a deep but soft rhythm Matteo thinks then he blinks twice. He's not sure Zelda or weed is a good theme for an essay.  
“What did you do?” David smiles knowingly. “I made an essay about how laws affect the production of cinema in third world-countries”.

Matteo tries to not look at him star-truck. This guy is impossibly smart and artsy. From another guy, the words might sound ridiculously pretentious, but there was nothing pretentious about David. Just warmness. 

“But I am a film student” David shrugs like it's nothing. “So it made sense. What are you majoring at?”  
“Don't know it yet”.  
“Well, what do you like?”, that question again. Matteo never had to think too much about it. It was one of those hard questions that he was expected to know the answer so he avoided thinking much. He just went and let life pass by him. The sole reason he was in college now was that Jonas had convinced him. He was surprised that he was even accepted, he barely passed high school. But all will be for nothing if you get expelled. He looked at David patiently waiting for him to response. He didn't even know what he liked. He just randomly took any class that seemed easy.

“I am half-italian” he blurts out. God, that was a stupid thing to say. It wasn't like David wanted to know his heritage.  
“Oh” David raises his eyebrows.  
“And when I was little I used to go to Italy, and my grandma -nonna- taught me to cook some things.  
He took a deep breath. He hadn't gone to Italy since his father left his mother.  
“Mostly pasta and variations. But I like to cook”. He hadn't realized it was true until he says it.  
“I don't think I want to go to culinary school or something, but that's something I like” his voice starts going low. He hadn't mean to reveal something so personal but he doesn't know if it's the night, or the pressure, or how relaxed he feels with David. He just knows he feels as David could ask him anything and he will answer it, with no hesitations. That is a dangerous thing.

David looks at him thoughtful. Matteo wishes he could read his mind now.   
“Well, I take it back. Now I have to taste that pasta. That will be my reward”.  
Matteo smiles. He hasn't cook in months, maybe would be nice to do it again.  
“Pasta á la Luigi is a serious thing; you are not prepared” he smugs. His pasta indeed is one of the few things that he can do along to roll a joint in record time.  
“Is that a challenge? Because I am going to blown you away…with my quesadillas”.  
Matteo laughs for the first time in weeks. “Oh really?”  
“You are not prepared. I also make a killer bowl of cereal”.  
“Oh I can't wait” says Matteo.  
“But really, cooking is so cool. I wish I could do it. It's awesome”. Matteo feels himself blushing and getting shy. “Thanks”. He finds David staring at him, he wishes he could look away but he is enraptured in the most beautiful eyes he has seen. His eyes have a glint of gold. And that piercing in his nose. Matteo never have though much about piercings. But know he is fascinated. No, but he has to stop. David is just a cool guy helping him.

“So, are you gonna show me that film of yours or not?”

-  
“Wow” Matteo can only say that after what he saw.   
“Did you like it”? David fiddles with his hands like he is nervous. But he has nothing to be nervous.  
“I mean; I don't know much about film but that was amazing”.  
Now it's the turn of David to blush. His cheeks look so rosy.   
“I am not sure If I understood everything, but it is something” Matteo continues, because it is true. “And that part with the guy and the shadows”.  
David looks up abruptly. “What about it?”.  
Matteo nods trying to find the words to explain what he felt. “He just seems…so lonely”.  
“It is supposed to feel that way” David whispers. Matteo feels he is wandering unknown territory so he tries to lighten the mood. “And are you gonna show it somewhere?”.  
David brightens. “Actually, I am going to send it to some film festivals and there is gonna be a projection next week if you want to come”.  
“Absolutely”.

-  
“Matteo, wake up”.  
Matteo feels his eyelids heavy with sleep. Someone is moving him to wake up. He drowns a yawn and open his eyes. It's Jonas.   
“Dude, what are you doing here?” Jonas looks at him concerned. Matteo almost trips down trying to stand up and rubs his face. “I was…doing a homework”. He looks around but David is nowhere to be seen. The computer center is alone except for him, Jonas and two other girls.  
Jonas looks surprised.  
“What? I do my homework sometimes you know”.  
“Of course bro, but I don't remember the last time you felt asleep without being high or drunk”.  
“Shut up” Matteo punches him in the shoulder. Jonas laughs. He feels so heavy.  
“What time is it?”  
“8:14”. Matteo blinks several times. He doesn't remember falling asleep.  
“By the way, you forgot to give me the key”.  
“Shit, sorry”.  
“No problem, I slept at Hanna's but next time send me a text or something. I though you were in the dorm”.  
“Mm-mmh” he mumbles. He feels his mouth dry and wants nothing more than to sleep but he needs to send that project. The project! Did he even finish it?  
“Anyway, Hanna's birthday is this Saturday and I want to plan a surprise party”.  
“Cool” mumbles Matteo while stifling another yawn. Another time he would be jealous but something changed.  
“Bro, you're sleeping. Talk to you later” Jonas pats him in the shoulder while Matteo closes his eyes, he may well fall asleep now. However, he has to send the essay. He turns on the computer and indeed, his essay is finished, he doesn't know how. He wonders when did David go? Or was all a dream? Just when he puts his notebook and pen in his backpack he sees a post-it. It's a drawing of him asleep. “Good luck with your project!”. It's David's. It wasn't a dream. He can't stop smiling the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer, hope you enjoyed it! I was planning on writing from David's POV. What do you think?


	3. Blue eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a little difficult to write from David’s POV but I enjoyed a lot, it’s a little angsty but I hope you like it.

David nods while Leonie explains how they plan to fund the events planned for Earth day. He wonders what Matteo must have taught of his drawing. He fears he might have gone a little bit over the top. 

“We are gonna work in pairs and you have to send your proposal due tomorrow” Leonie continues. David looks over the members of the student council; they are the spokespersons of their majors. Jonas is there too –from political sciences. Now that he knows he is Matteo’s best friend there is a spark of curiosity that just won’t go away. The only facts he knows of Jonas are the ones that Leonie told him, he’s kind of a douche that cheated on Leonie with her best friend Hanna who he still dates. Hanna seems like a sweet girl, although Leonie might not appreciate them getting along too much and Jonas seems an ok guy too. He always has good proposals and really cares about making students life better.

Leonie claps as she always does to announce the meeting is over. Sara, Leonie’s best friend gives an exited wave to them 

“Hey! David, I have such good news for you”. David likes Sara, he likes her enthusiasm and her passion for theatre.  
“Yup?”  
“They were telling us we can choose to do a collaborative project with film students this semester, and of course I chose you”. 

“That’s amazing!” shrieked Leonie hugging both of them. It is. David likes to make films and now he has a wide range of theater students to choose. Of course he is picking Sara, she is very talented although he would like to see the rest of the students. But he won’t be saying that to Sara.

“Yeah, I kind of have all these stories, It’s gonna be cool to put a face on it”.  
“Like what?” asks Leonie. He touches his beanie nervously, is not he doesn’t want to tell them but his ideas are too personal, is like opening himself and letting people see him, raw and uncensored. He is not sure he likes that. One of his professor tells him that art is personal, film is personal. David must be willing to expose himself, and he’s trying but it’s hard when you have been hiding all your life. He remembers the past few hours, he had been more willing to open up to a stranger of blue eyes and messy hair than his friends. But he had felt so comfortable, like he had known Matteo for years. The fear of him reading too much wasn’t there. He didn’t meet David during his darkest times.

“Hum…”  
“C’mon David, you have to show us your work someday!” Sara crosses her arms.  
David raises his eyebrows “You have seen my drawings” he points to a big drawing of the planet saying Save Earth.

Leonie rolls her eyes. “You know what we’re talking about”.

“Fine, fine” David raises his hands. He needs to trust people. And Leonie and Sara had been nothing but good friends with him. “Basically, is about two people that run away”. Both nod expectantly like waiting him to elaborate.

“To Detroit”.  
“You’ve got an obsession with Detroit” Sara mocks.

 

-

 

When he gets home he’s so tired that he drops his backpack and falls carelessly in his bed. A few moments later he hears Laura knocking the door although it is opened. “Hey, I was worried about you. You didn’t come home last night”. Laura watches him with a concerned look.

“I was doing a school project, I promise. It just took longer than I expected”.  
Like 8 hours longer to be clear, although it was worth it.

Laura doesn’t seem convinced. “I swear I wasn’t in abandoned buildings or bridges”. David closes his eyes. They have this conversation quite often since the night that Laura discovered that when David was doing “homework” or “hanging out with friends” he was exploring Berlin and not the way Laura liked. He couldn’t help himself, Laura was the person he loved most but sometimes she didn’t understand. Not that this was her fault. Actually nobody seems to understand his need to go to places where nobody knows him. Where there is no one to look at him. 

He needed to get away and see all the places people abandon, all those pieces of work that everyone thinks are too ugly or old to have life. He would often sit there and watch around, there’s beauty in the cracks, on all the hidden. On all the things people doesn’t bother to notice or don’t really care.

“Okay, dinner will be ready soon” Laura exhales as if she has decided on an internal fight and leaves to the kitchen. David is glad that Laura doesn’t pressure him on this, not even all the words can be enough to describe how he feels but he can try. His desk is the only part of his room that is a mess. He has several papers with drawing and notes of ideas he has but writes down in the moment so he won’t forget him. There are a couple of photos of places where he would like to film, some pencils and colors. Some stick-notes reminding him of projects he has to do.  
He closes his curtains and puts aside the papers, he grabs a small notebook and a pen. He scribbles down a thought. 

No need to run  
I found the way back to you  
And of all th-

David looks with cringe at what he wrote. He doesn’t know when his ideas of dialogue or plot turned into lame poetry. Or attempts of poetry. It all started a few weeks ago, it was like his thoughts refused to be a dialogue, they were simple lines that had life itself. He’s about to rip off the paper when he hears Laura shouting from the kitchen.

“David! Dinner is ready”.  
“Coming”. David turns off his bedroom light and momentarily forgets about the paper.

-

 

The next two days pass in a blur. David hands over the short he was filming, it is called “The last light”, he knows it sounds overly-dramatic, Laura agreed, but he couldn’t find a better title. He is scribbling down some ideas for his history of film class when someone sits in front of him. He doesn’t look up, usually is Leonie or Sara or could be someone from his classes. By now he gets along with plenty of his classmates but he still doesn’t feel totally comfortable with them and wouldn’t call them “friends”, same with the guys from the student council. Laura likes to scold him. “You are charming, handsome and talented as hell. You don’t have friends because you don’t want”. Laura was her sister so she was obligated to say things like that.

The truth was, he didn’t feel ready to have a relationship with anyone –let it be a friendship or something more- he would be too vulnerable. He had gone through hell and returned. Although there were a few people that didn’t give up. Leonie, was one of them, they were together last semester in Art History. It was his first semester of college and he was having the best and worst time of his life. He managed to get out of the hell that was high school and had gotten top surgery that summer. He now was in film school, something he had wanted since he was 12. He was getting close to the person he always wanted to be. But in the process he had wounds that he wasn’t sure time could fix.

His thought process was interrupted when he hears someone call him out.

“You zoned out” says Hanna with a smile.  
“Sorry” David smiles in return. He likes Hanna although they haven’t talked much. They share one class this semester and they sometimes cross in the halls.  
“No problem, you were looking so deep in though that I was afraid to say something” she laughs and pull out some books and notebooks.  
“You already studied for the exam?”  
“God no” Hanna groans. “Truth to be told, I am not that good at studying and then I get so nervous I want to throw up. Mia, my best friend from high school or Jonas always helped me”.  
“I think you underestimate yourself”.  
“I think you are too kind” Hanna smiled. “Anyway, what are you studying for? Please tell me the exam is not tomorrow”.  
“Yes” David tried to convey a serious face. “First hour tomorrow morning”.  
David can see for a moment that Hanna buys it but then she catches up. “God, I almost believed it for a minute”.  
“Sure you did” Amira is standing next to them with a smile and a whole lot of books.  
“Looks like you robbed the library” David teases her. Amira was in Art History last semester too, although she was majoring in biomedicine. Amira was reserved and she and David even worked on a project. They got along pretty well although neither of them got too deep on the friendship. David wondered if she was another person he pushed away.  
“Tell me about it” Amira sighs. “I have a ton to study. Just kill me now”.  
“You look stressed, want to join us?” Hanna taps the char next to her.  
“I can’t. I’m headed to the lab now”.  
“Good luck with that” David can see the bags under Amira’s eyes. For what he has seen, Biomedicine is a very demanding career but Amira is pretty smart.  
“Thanks, it’s only Wednesday and I am ready to drop out”.  
“Think when you’re curing cancer or something big and important” Hanna reassures her. Amira gives a tired smile. “I’ll try”.

“Oh, I almost forgot. My birthday party now will be on Friday”  
“I thought it was Saturday”.  
“My dad comes home Saturday” Hanna shrugs. Then looks at David “You are invited too of course”.  
David knows Hanna is genuine but he is not sure if he is in mood for a party.  
“Thanks but I don’t know, I have too much homework”.  
“I’m with David on this”.  
“Guys! You have to come, please, everyone will be there”.  
Something flips inside David. Surely Matteo will go. He needs to stop thinking about him. He probably isn’t even into guys. And he doesn’t need feelings, he got carried away two days ago. He blames the night and his tiredness.  
“I’ll try” Amira says. David just looks down to his notes of magical realism in film ignoring the thoughts of blue eyes

-

 

David had always liked peace and quiet, so this place is his favorite place in the whole university. Is behind the Art building and looks like a small forest. He always come when he needs to get away from the world, which is often. He pulls out his sketchbook but feels no inspiration. He looks around, a few people pass by, some on bikes. Normally he would draw the trees or people or even a squirrel that passes. But nothing is coming to him, frustrated he gives in and closes his sketchbook. Something is pulsing inside him and won’t let him rest. Today is Friday, the day of Hanna’s birthday. He closes his eyes, he know what Sara would say. “What are you afraid of?”.  
“Everything” he would answer.

-

He played with the idea of bringing Laura with him but he needs to do this alone. But as soon as he steps in the house he regrets it. He should have brought her for emotional support. He really doesn’t mind crows, and not this one where nobody knows him. But he can’t shake the feeling he doesn’t belong, he is a stranger. He passes a lot of people he doesn’t know, he sees some people from the student council, and a girl from his history of film class. Almost everyone is already drunk and it’s just 10 pm. The music is loud and the neon lights give the party an alien atmosphere. Hanna is talking with two blonde girls he doesn’t recognize but when she sees him she waves over. 

What I’m doing here?

But he knows as soon as his eyes see him. He couldn’t look away even if he wanted. Matteo is holding a beer and looking everywhere but somehow he doesn’t see David in the crowd. Or maybe he saw him and doesn’t care. But Sara is talking to him, flirting with him. He feels a spit in his stomach. David is confused, he knows Leonie would get really mad at Sara for being here. 

He goes to the opposite side, to the kitchen where he grabs a juice. He doesn’t like to drink and lose control of himself. “You made it” Amira greets him with a big smile.  
“Same, though you wouldn’t come”.  
Amira waves his hand, “just for Hanna and some friends of high school, we haven’t been together in months”.  
David nods as he himself had a groups of friends from high school which he meets with. Amira begins to talk about her friends when he looks across the room and what he sees make his heart stop. 

Sara is kissing Matteo. Matteo is kissing Sara. His brain is trying to grasp the concept. He knows he should look away but he can’t. He sees how Matteo is still holding his beer in his right hand and stands very still but nonetheless, still kissing Sara back. She seems more into the kiss, grasping his shoulders, and putting her arms around his neck. Something inside of him fractures and then he feels going numb.

Amira notices his look. “God” she frowns. “That’s so wrong in so many levels”.  
“Why?” David asks. He shouldn’t. He feels as if someone had punched him.  
“Well, he is obviously not into her”.  
David continues watching like witnessing an accident on the roadway that you can’t look away. “Well, he’s kissing her back”.  
“It’s just pretense. I know Matteo” Amira dismisses. David would like to cling to that thought, but he can’t have hope. Reality just slapped him. If it’s not Sara, it’s gonna be other girl. Feelings are bad, he should know by now. And it’s good to have a reminder, now matter how much it hurts.  
“And she is just not the person Matteo needs” Amira adds. David wants to ask what person needs Matteo but he doesn’t want to picture Matteo with some other girl. He needs to get out of here. Now.

“I need to go to the bathroom” David knows is the most basic excuse but he really needs some air. He goes straight out of the house. He just keeps walking ignoring the pain. He is an expert. He has mastered that skill for years. He can manage pain. He would draw or watch some movies and then make stories, other people living other lives and he is gonna distract watching other worlds unfold.


	4. Open wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an emotional chapter. To me it was important to acknowledge a little more of Matteo’s MI, so you’re definitely seeing more of that.

Matteo wakes up with a headache. He can’t even open his eyes as the memories flood him. Kissing Sara, Sara’s hands on him, he being so uncomfortable he exited to smoke. Drinking a lot, and then a blackout. His phone is vibrating telling him someone is sending many texts rapidly. That is weird, no one messages him except his mother and the group chat he has with his friends, and they don’t send that many texts. Without seeing, he tries to reach his phone and eventually catches it. His eyelids feel heavy but he manages to open his eyes. There are a bunch of texts from Sara. He makes a face; he wishes he could like Sara.

His mouths feel dry and his throat sore. He probably threw up, he feels terribly sick and normally Jonas would hand him water or something to recover from the hangover together but the bed next to him is empty. He probably stayed with Hanna. Matteo feels a surge of loneliness. How would it be to have someone holding him, caressing him? He tries to sit up without falling, he checks his phone, it’s 3pm and he is hungry, the cafeteria closes soon on weekends but he might find some coffee shop or something to have a late breakfast. He manages to drag himself from bed and looks at him in the mirror of the bathroom. He looks dead. Dark bags under his eyes, greasy hair, acne on his face. His blue t-shirt looks stained, probably beer as he smells it. He splashes cold water in his face but it doesn’t make him feel better.  
He puts on a green hoodie and manages to grab Jonas’ key, (he still hasn’t found his).

He walks slowing passing his hand through the walls. Some other students are passing the halls with busy faces and worried face. The cafeteria is closed but there is a coffee shop that is open. He rubs his face and enters. The first thing he notices is the smell of strong coffee, he doesn’t really like coffee, he prefers tea or something else but he can appreciate the smell. He gets in line and a couple in front of him look at him with weird faces. Matteo hopes he doesn’t smell like weed. Almost everyone is with computers and books studying. He wishes he could be that kind of student that worries over his homework or better yet, that worries and does something about it. 

He barely passed his assignment with Mr. Bösh thanks to David. David. He hasn’t seen him all week. David with his kindness and browns eyes and his edgy-artsy vibe. He stills keeps his post-it in his drawer, it’s the only paper he has saved. He wishes he could talk to Jonas about this, ask him what to do in this kind of situations. He doesn’t even know how to flirt; he hadn’t needed to. There’s only one person he has really liked and that was Jonas. But that was a lost cause since the beginning and Matteo knew it. Soon it’s his turn, he asks for a bagel and some herbal tea and when he hands over his coins some fall and roll on the floor. Ashamed he knees down and quickly grabs them. Why he always manages to make a mess of simplest things?

He grabs his phone and opens a game, the waiter brings him his tea and bagel and warns him that it’s too hot but it’s too late. Matteo gulps the tea and the waiter has to bring him napkins. This day hasn’t started well. He sighs and bites his bagel, he supposes it tastes good but it’s impossible to tell with a scalding tongue. And then he sees him. David. He blinks twice to make sure it’s not his imagination that conjured him. But sure there he is wearing black ripped jeans and a white t-shirt, Matteo’s mouth gets dry. He looks so good. Even better than the day he met him which feels like an eternity now although it has only been one week. He is there with another girl with black hair who is smiling and teasing David, is obvious they are comfortable together. Is she his girlfriend? He feels a disgusting knot in his stomach at the thought of them together. David is smiling widely. Matteo missed that smile. 

He watches them ordering and sitting on a table across him, it’s obvious they haven’t seen him. His hands feel clammy at the thought of approaching them but he knows he has no other option if he hopes to see David again. Although David is with his girlfriend, he deflates in his chair while looking at them. He should have asked him if he got a girlfriend that night. But he was too nervous, and there was the expelling thing…then David catches his eye mid-laugh. The smile wipes off or is his imagination? He is more nervous than before but he sits up, David widens his eyes and Matteo gives him a shy smile. He just needs to say hi but he feels the pressure building inside him and he’s not sure if he can breathe properly. He wishes he wasn’t using yesterday’s clothes but it’s too late now. 

“Hey” he mumbles. The girl who may or not be David’s girlfriend raises her eyebrows at the look of Matteo and he wants to run away but then she extends a hand. “Laura, nice to meet you”.  
“Matteo" he stutters. Laura is intimidating. David gives him a weak smile and Laura and David exchange a glance he can’t decipher. He needs to say something, fast. “Eh...thanks for the help the other day, I…I passed”. Laura is frowning.

“Yeah, no problem. I’m glad you passed” David brushes his hair with his hand.  
“Anyway, we should catch up our orders and go, we’re late” says Laura abruptly without giving another glance at Matteo and goes with the barista. Well, clearly the girl hated him. David stood up and grabs his sweater. “See you, Matteo”.  
They way he says his name feels like a punch this time.  
“Hey” he grabs David by the arm, he can’t let him go like that, he doesn’t know what is, but something is wrong. David’s skin is warm and he let’s go fast, David now has a poker face, he wishes he could open his mind and see what he’s thinking.  
“We should hang out one day, you know, maybe watch the movie you told me the other day, the one about vampires” he’s rambling now.  
“Only lovers left alive” corrects David.  
“Yeah, that one”.  
“I should go” David gives him an unapologetic look and joins Laura, they both grab their coffees and exit the coffee shop.  
Matteo feels his heart sinking, it was like David was a totally different person today. Maybe he imagined their connection last Monday. Maybe he is making up something that doesn’t exist.

-

It’s Monday again and Matteo can feel it’s gonna be one of those days again. By now he is used to the rollercoaster that are his emotions where he wanders mostly in the low, sinking deep. But he feels today is harder. He can’t predict these days, they come and go sometimes without a special trigger. However, he sinks deeper in his sheets, wanting to blend in the bed and never wake up again. Jonas isn’t in the room since Friday and Matteo doesn’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. Usually Jonas forces Matteo to at least eat something and go out to get some fresh air, but it’s not Jonas’ responsibility to take care of Matteo. 

He decides is good Jonas isn’t there to watch him. He is burden to people and at least today he won’t be a burden to Jonas. He stays in bed all day, not even his hunger is enough to make him get up. 

It’s Tuesday and he feels no better, although he manages to get up and grab cookies from the vending machine. That’s all he eats that day. Jonas sees him in bed at night but Matteo says he is just tired of classes. It’s not a lie. But he is really tired of existing, of breathing. Everyday is a fight, a fight to wake up, to eat, to walk, to go to classes, to smile, to talk. Everything inside of him feels heavy, a weight everyday increases until he cannot bear it. He just stays in bed, hoping whatever is inside of him will let go off the clutches and he will manage to carry just the usual.  
Smoking helps him to cope, but he doesn’t have weed anymore and can’t get up.

It’s Wednesday, he thought he would feel better but no. He hasn’t changed his clothes and knows he is gross. Another reminder of how tired and useless he is. Someone knocks the door; he just waits until the knocks are over. He sleeps, and when he’s tired of sleeping he traces the patterns of the wall next to his bed. 

It’s 6pm and he just woke up from another bad hour of sleep when he sees two people looking at him with concerned faces. “He woke up”.  
Someone turns on the light and Matteo squeezes his eyes. He is not used to light and it almost blinds him. When he finally manages to open his eyes he sees Jonas and Amira. He lets himself fall onto bed again and covers his face with his hands. “I’m going back to sleep”.

“No, you’re not” Amira says in the firm voice she uses when she won’t accept a no.  
“I’m tired okay?” Matteo wraps himself with his sheets. He can imagine them looking at him with pity. Oh Matteo can’t wake up, Oh poor Matteo that hasn’t even showered. Poor, poor Matteo.

He hears a door shutting. They are gone, but forgot to turn off the light. He sighs and when he sits he sees Amira is still there. Just Jonas is gone, somehow that makes him feel worse.

“Is he mad?” he can’t help asking. Maybe Jonas has had enough. He finally reached the limit and found that Matteo is broken beyond repair.  
“Of course not” this time Amira’s voice is gentler. “He’s just worried and had a thing with the student council, but he didn’t want you to be alone”. He wants to be mad and tell Jonas he is not a baby but he’s as useless as one. Maybe David saw that and took the wise choice to avoid interacting with Matteo.

“I need to get going and you’re going with me” says Amira.  
“I’m not” replies Matteo, he can’t and no one seems to understand.  
“Yes, you are, because Matteo” Amira gets extremely close and doesn’t look away.  
“I know of sadness and depression; I know it soothes you like your favorite blanket  
and you feel warm and fuzzy. But it’s just a matter of time before it wraps around you and chokes you”.

 

“So why are you here Matteo?”  
Because Amira forced me didn’t sound like a good answer.  
Matteo was already regretting this. 

“I don’t know”. Dr. Lowell just nods like his answer makes all the sense in the world. Matteo hates this. Hates having to talk to strangers. They always say that talking frees you, talking makes you feel better. Talk. Talk. Talk. They don’t know he is trapped inside along his words, he lost the ability to talk about what he feels a long time ago.

“You know Matteo, is okay not knowing. And we could spend the hour in silence if that’s what you want. But something tells me it’s quite the opposite. I think you have a lot to say. Just maybe you forgot how to say it”.

She’s like a mind reader if they exist.  
“How are you so sure?”  
“Well, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to get and I know it’s damn hard to seek help”.  
Matteo wants to say it wasn’t him, it was Amira and Jonas.  
“No matter how you got here, you are so brave for beginning recovery”.

-

He feels raw, he feels like someone cut him deep and opened all the layers of his skin. At the end he talked, not much but it was enough to making him feel like full of fresh wounds. He needs to hide from the world. He knows he should send a thank-you text to Amira or something for being such a shitty friend lately and she helping him anyway but he doesn’t feel like it. Maybe he can buy her her favorite coffee.

Matteo doesn’t feel like going to his room yet, so he just walks around the campus. The air is chilly and he didn’t bring a sweater but he doesn’t care, it feels good the cold air in his skin instead of his suffocating room. He remembers his mom walking with him in the park and stuffing him like a teddy bear and for the first time in years he breaks down and cries.


	5. What do you want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post but I kinda lost sight of where the fic was heading, also I wasn’t feeling well these last weeks but I promise I’ll update more frequently. Actually, I’m thinking in adding one more chapter to wrap the story the best way possible.

Matteo waits hesitantly before sending the text and then erases it. He managed to get David’s number through Amira who thankfully didn’t ask why he wanted it. 

Na?  
He erases it.

Maybe he could send him a meme. He looks up through his collection, most he already posted them on insta. Finally, he decides on a gif of the two vampires of Only lovers left alive.

Cool film 

He waits. One, two hours. David still hasn’t answered.

We should hang out sometime.  
Matteo sends it quick before he can regret it.

His phone falls in his face. He sighs and manages to wake up. He goes to the bathroom and he glances at himself in the mirror. He looks like shit. Dark bags under his eyes, his eyes are red for crying so much yesterday, he looks pale. And dead. He splashes cold water in his face and it helps. A little.

 

He falls into bed again and is about to fall asleep again and checks again his phone, he was left in read. He could go to the coffee shop he went last week.

Is not like David hangs out here everyday at the same hour.

Still, Matteo deflates and decides he doesn’t want coffee after all. Maybe David does have a girlfriend. How couldn’t he? He is gorgeous, and was extremely kind even when he didn’t know Matteo and helped him, and he was so attractive and mysterious and artsy and…

Somehow deep down he still hopes to cross with him everywhere he goes to. Which is stupid, the university is big and all their encounters have just been pure sheer luck. He could ask Jonas though. But he would ask questions. Or worse, he won’t say anything but he would give Matteo that knowing glance. 

He knows him too well and he is sure that Jonas suspects Matteo is gay. Not that he would say or pressure Matteo to say something. Matteo liked and hated that.

As if conjured by the thought Jonas enters with a big paper bag.

“Luigi! I brought lunch” Matteo’s stomach rumbles. He hasn’t eaten something solid in like 48 hours. His phone says its already 1:23pm.

“Pass the food” Matteo’s voice feels raspy.

Jonas slaps his hand like he is a child. “Wash your hands first”.

“I washed”.

Jonas looks up and down at him. Years ago, that looked would have been enough for Matteo to blush and feel all kind of things.

“Wash your hands, I don’t know what you were doing before I came back”.

Matteo gives him the middle finger. “Gross man” but he goes to wash his hands.

After eating breakfast Matteo opens his laptop.

“You should get out, get some fresh air” Jonas is giving him that concerned looked that Matteo hates. It makes him feel like a child who has to be carried away everywhere.

“Where are you going anywhere? Hanna’s?” Jonas smiles like he always do when Hanna is mentioned.

“Nah, some student council thing”.

“Mmm”. Probably David would be there.

Jonas is his phone ignoring the train of thoughts that cross Matteo’s mind.

“I’ll go with you”.

“Really?” Jonas doesn’t hide his surprise. “I though you hated those meetings”.

Matteo shrugs. “I have to get out anyway”.

“Okay” Jonas still looks at him a little disbelieving but doesn’t said more.

Matteo feels nervous, an increased wariness in his stomach and he’s tapping his fingers in his leg trying to calm down. They arrive outside the classroom and there he is. He is sitting on the floor outside the classroom laughing at something Leonie is saying. He feels his mouth dry, David is wearing today a floral black t-shirt and ripped jeans. Matteo feels a little dizzy, it has been an exhausting day, week, year. 

Jonas bump fists with some others and leaves Matteo alone for a moment. He doubts, he could approach David but he never liked Leonie and since their last encounter he is insecure. He had the best night of his life with the most beautiful guy but now it all feels…gone, like smoke.

He watches as Leonie gives David a hand to stand up. Jonas has already darted inside and he’s just standing there.

“David” he regrets it instantly. Both David and Leonie look at him with identical surprised faces and then Leonie’s face turns sour. Surely Sara has told her all about Matteo’s ghosting but he couldn’t care less. David says something to Leonie and with one last look she goes inside.

David’s face is serious, closed off, his hands in his pockets. Matteo has no idea what to say now, he didn’t think David would actually acknowledge him. 

“I…” he mumbles. 

David looks at him with those brown eyes, Matteo momentarily gets lost in them, in David’s face, his rosy cheeks, his long eyelashes, his septum piercing and finally in his lips. They are rosy too, delicate. He wonders how they will taste. He looks up and David is still patiently waiting for what he has to say.

“I still owe you pasta…”.

David smiles, not the full-tooth smile that Matteo thinks rivals the sun but is a smile.

“Don’t worry about it” he is moving towards the door.

“Pasta à la Luigi is the best pasta you’ll taste”. 

Matteo doesn’t want him to go, not yet. 

David isn’t looking at him anymore; he is standing there like meditating something.

“I believe you. Look, I have to go but…” he is walking farther.

“Yeah” mumbles Matteo nervous. “I’ll text you when I cook the pasta”. He never is that bold, never. But although he wants to die there is like he can’t stop.

David looks unsure and opens his mouth like he is about to say something.

“I’ll see you around” says Matteo and he bolts. He doesn’t want David to regret it but he already can feel his mood sinking. Maybe David thinks he is being too insistent. 

Maybe David doesn’t want anything to do with him. Not even a friendship. Or a pasta dish.

-

He has an appointment with Dr. Lowell tomorrow but he doesn’t know if he’ll go. Everything feels too heavy, and is taking an incredible amount of energy to wake up, to stand up, to breathe but for the first time in the week Matteo goes to classes. Jonas tries to not look so excited but he fails as he gives him a bright smile and even makes sure Matteo wears a scarf. 

“I’m not a kid” Matteo rolls his eyes. All this fuzzing is for nothing, yes, Amira told Jonas she convinced Matteo to go to therapy. But it has only been one session and they don’t know he is not sure if he is coming back, he is not saying that though, Amira would kill him.

“Sure you are Luigi”.

Matteo gives him the middle finger and only hears Jonas laugh as he walks down the dorms. He really is like a mom. 

He tries to not be so disappointed when he can’t see unruly black hair and a glimmer of a septum piercing in the halls.

He shakes his head while he enters the classroom. Somehow it seems like entering somewhere foreign he has never been. He hasn’t come to this class in a month? More or less. He sits at the back of the classroom and pulls out a notebook and a pen. Somehow he remembered to bring them to the class and he feels foolishly proud of that. 

He tries to breathe and remember what the therapist said about small accomplishments. He can do this. He can do this.

The professor enters and puts her briefcase in the desk. She puts her hands together like praying. “Well, as you know, today is the third quiz”.

“What?” Matteo can’t help his voice sounding so panicked and a girl next to him gives him the stink eye. He feels like he is gonna throw up. He is not okay. He watches as the teacher passes the exams to each person in the front row.

He can’t do this. 

He though he could but he can’t. 

He needs to get out of here now. 

But the teacher will inevitably see him, he has to cross almost the entire classroom to get out. He feels his hands clammy and he can’t breathe well. He shouldn’t have to class, how was he so dumb to think he could manage this? He is not coming to this class again ever and before he regrets it he grabs his backpack clumsily and runs outside the classroom. He hears the teacher saying something but is all a blur. He tries to fight the tears. 

Everyone is right, he isn’t worth a fucking dime. He continues walking and accidentally gets in the way of several people but he doesn’t care, he can’t see right through the tears that threaten to spill, he doesn’t know where he is going until someone grabs him by the arm out of nowhere. He tries to free himself from the grip until he hears a soft voice. 

“Matteo”.

“Are you okay?”

This must be a dream. Probably he is still in his room sleeping and all this is a horrible dream and his brain conjured David.

He tries to speak but nothing comes out of his mouth. Is like he lost the ability to talk. He avoids meeting David’s gaze but he can feel it. He surely saw his face all red and with tears shimmering. Matteo though he couldn’t feel more embarrassed but apparently he can.

“No” he whispers and then he continues walking. He doesn’t want David to follow him but still is disappointed when he doesn’t. He angrily wipes off his tears. He needs to disappear. The black hole inside of him is growing and swallowing him all. He needs to get high.

-

Ansel, his dealer looks at him suspiciously from the door peephole. He hasn’t come in two months, but this an emergency. The sooner he gets high; the sooner he can forget. Ansel opens the door and Matteo is as always, surprised to not find him in a cloud of smoke and watching some documentary about ancient Greece.  
The place is small and unexpectedly cozy. Matteo sits in a chair with a giraffe form and Ansel just looks at him bored.

“So… I want a little more than the last time” Matteo flays with the zip of his jacket. Ansel has a way of looking at you like he knows your deepest secrets and not the good kind.

“Something happened” says Ansel giving him the look.

“What?” begins Matteo confused. Usually Ansel just looks at him bored and then handles him the weed.

“Not a question” Ansel sits with his legs crossed and now looks at him like meditating something.

“Wh…”

“I can give you half of it and that’s all”.

Matteo is about to complain; it won’t be nearly enough but Ansel is intimidating so he keeps his mouth shut. Matteo passes him the a few crumbled bills and get out as quickly as possible. Ansel is weird, he has no other way of say it. But for now, he will have relief.

-

Relief was not coming; he should have known better. But that also meant he was worse than he though. He fumbled with the beer in his hand now empty. Abdi and Carlos were involved in a dumb discussion about how Abdi should play hard to get with Sam and Jonas was playing his guitar. No one seemed to notice him. To notice how he was slipping into himself. He wanted to exit but he couldn’t, it was his flat after all.

“I’m gonna grab another beer” he mumbled just loud enough for Jonas to hear and he walked to the kitchen. He plans to stay there for a while until someone notices he is gone, which would at least give him 20 minutes of peace. He began playing a game in his phone but he drops it moments later, there is nothing who can distract him from his thoughts, not even weed or beer or some stupid game.

He doesn’t know much time passes but when Jonas comes to find him he is slumped in the floor.

“Bro, you okay?” Jonas looks him with concern and Matteo can’t stand it.  
Matteo just nods. 

“Come, we need to kick ass on Mario Kart. Abdi and Carlos are getting to cocky”.  
Matteo shakes his head slightly; he always loses but still Jonas always partners with him. He grabs Jonas’ hand and sits on the couch next to him.

“Ooooh, Jonas brought backup” Abdi shouts when he sees Matteo.

“We are gonna beat you” Carlos points his fingers to both of them and Matteo just snorts. He grabs the controller when suddenly Abdi asks, “Bro, what happened with Sara?”

Matteo has tried to erase the party from his mind. Unsuccessfully. 

“Nothing”.

“Bro, she is nice” Jonas says looking at the screen.

“And it’s time for you to get a girlfriend” Carlos continues.

“Well, look at Abdi” Matteo retorts. 

“OOOOW” shouts Jonas mocking Abdi who just says “fuck you”.

“Or get laid at least” adds Carlos.

“I get laid” Matteo lies. He makes out with girls, just the enough amount so no one can question his sexuality.

“Well, not lately” Jonas grins. “Dude, we’re your best friends, you can tell us if you like someone”.

The only someone Matteo wants has beautiful smile and brown eyes.

“Or is you are sleeping with someone”.

“Luigi is not sleeping with someone” Jonas shots back.

“How do you know?” asks Abdi.

“Dude, we would know, right?” Carlos looks at him confident that Matteo has no secret lover, or crush. How wrong they are.

He just shrugs because he can’t tell them that he is infatuated with someone that doesn’t want to do anything with him. Specially after the way he saw Matteo running from his class. He is broken, who would want someone like him?

-

David is here looking back at him with a sexy smirk. They are so close that Matteo can see his perfect mouth, so delicate and pink. He touches David’s hair with a hand to see if it is as smooth as he imagined. It is. 

“What do you want?” David whispers softly in his ear. 

Matteo can feel the heat in his stomach and moves to face him but is captivated by David’s skin, brown and beautiful. Matteo kisses him in the neck. Short and soft. He hears David sigh, and he continues down to his collarbone.

David rapidly moves on top of him. Matteo can feel the blood rushing to his cock. He wants this. He wants him in a way he never though possible. “It’s my turn” says David sitting on top of him. Matteo just admires the view when he feels David grinding against him. Matteo can’t help but moan. It feels so good –he needs more. 

Matteo struggles to move too. He is feeling hot and flushed and just want to rip off their clothes, the are just another barrier that stops him from feeling David fully. He begins to unbutton David’s shirt when he bites Matteo’s shoulder. He gasps and close his eyes, they have all their clothes on but Matteo is impossibly turned on, David keeps biting him while still grinding against him. 

It feels so delicious and…

Matteo wakes up distorted. He can see is still dark out there so it must be night still. Fuck, he looks down and see came in his boxers like a fucking child with no self-control. He tries to breathe. He is totally and utterly screwed for a guy that doesn’t want him.


	6. Pasta and movies

David lets out a frustrated sigh while he drops his backpack in his bed. Today hasn't been a good day. He goes to the kitchen and washes his hands angrily.  
Laura notices right away and when she puts a plate of enchiladas in front of David just stares blankly at one of his favorite foods.

“Okay, what's up?” Laura looks at him concerned. Sometimes David hates how he made Laura fulfill a role that isn't hers. How she had to step up as a mother rather than a sister more times that he can count. 

David just shrugs but knows that Laura won't take his silence for an answer. He just wishes he could give a simple answer that won't worry Laura instead of saying he feels a void and can't shake this fear that no one aside from his sister will ever love him for who he is.

“It's just this short film we're doing with the guys from theater, is not going well”.  
That is an understatement. It's been a disaster. And he can't blame anyone but him. Sara is a good actress but she is not just what he envisioned. 

“Sara picked me up to work with her and...I don't know, maybe she is not the right fit”.  
It also doesn't help that everytime he sees her he is reminded of the kiss he saw between her and Matteo.

Laura nods while David stabs his enchilada. “Isn't she the girl who is friends with that pretty girl, Leonie?”

David gets his mouth full of food so he doesn't have to answer right away.

“Yeah, and you know I don't like her”. Laura was always asking about his love life, trying to suggest not-so-subtly people David could date. He knew she was worried and wanted him to have a normal life as possible but sometimes David feels like no matter how much he tries, he will never achieve it.

“Mmmhh, ok, and Sara? I know you're having trouble with the film but she seems a great girl and you two get along really well”.

“God no” David blurts before he can stop it. 

“You're right, it's not good idea to date co-workers” Laura looks at him suspiciously. 

“Or Henrich, the other day he asked…”

“I don't like brunette guys”. Shit, David slipped and gave Laura what she was looking for.

She smiles smudgely. “So, do you like someone”.

“No” David just looks at his empty plate. He ate faster than he thought. Besides, he didn't want to think that when he imagined himself with someone, there was a blonde guy with baggy jeans and beautiful eyes.

“I…”

“Can you just stop it?” said David tired of Laura and the world.

Laura looked sad and David immediately regretted his tone. But Laura needed to stop making matchmaker. 

“Ok” she said in a low voice. “I just...you are a wonderful guy David, you deserve to find love”.

David as always pushed his fear deep down, he has been getting used to the idea that he will probably end up alone. And he was fine with it, really. At least most of the time. He had Laura, and his films, and his art and maybe one or two friends. He didn't need anything else.

“I know”.

“And I don't want you to miss on someone just because you are used to pushing people before they can hurt you. I mean, people can be crap, an utter mess. We both know it. But you can't let that stop you. There are people out there who will love you and you need to let them in”.

David swallowed hard and try to ignore the tears that were dwelling in his eyes. 

“I'm going to my room”. He locks the door of his room and hugs his pillow while he feels endless tears streaming down his face.

-

He doesn't know if it's the talk his sister gave him yesterday but today he feels raw and he doesn't like it. He is walking down the halls to the auditorium to surely another disastrous meeting with Sara when he sees Matteo. He is slouched and sitting in the floor with his eyes closed. 

He tries to ignore how worried he is but he can't, not since days ago when he saw Matteo running away. It had all felt too familiar. He wanted to hold Matteo but don't know if he would let him. Why would him? David just pushes him everytime in the hopes all the feelings would go away. 

He opened up to Matteo too quickly when they met, it was like he had built all these walls and Matteo just effortlessly knocked them down without trying.

He curses Laura for his pep talk because he can't let Matteo crumble in front of him. He walks until he is beside him but Matteo doesn't notice, he is probably asleep. David takes his time watching his face, peaceful, his messy hair, the green sweatshirt that covers him like an armor. 

“Matteo” he savors each syllable of the name. Matteo. Matteo. But he doesn't wake up so David nudges him gently. Matteo opens his eyes panicked and looks wildly around like he lost sense of where he is, then looks at David incredulous and blushes. David loves how pink the pale skin turns. He wonders if he blushes just as quickly in all his body, he pushes the thought away. 

Matteo just stares at him and David is growing nervous with each second that passes.

“You owe me pasta” David blurts and immediately wants to smack himself for not coming up with something clever and instead the first excuse he could think of.

“Oh” says Matteo surprised and wipes his eyes. “Like now?”

David chuckles. “I don't think it would make a good breakfast”.

“You would be surprised”.

“I'm not ready to prove that theory” David is surprised they returned to their easy banter, he thought it would be more awkward. And that only hurts more.

“But maybe this week when you're free”.

“I'm free today” says Matteo and then blushes again. David panics for a moment, he didn't though they would actually talk today but know he can't keep running away.  
Besides, no matter how he feels about Matteo, he treated him unfairly and deserves an apology from David. Maybe they could even be...friends.

Something inside David rebels against the idea, he doesn't want to be Matteo's friend. He wants...many things but life doesn't give you what you want and David's learned the hard way.

“Ok, 3pm is good?”

“Sure, you know where my room is right?”

David nods.

 

-

 

This was a huge mistake

David leaves his beanie over a chair and approaches the kitchen that Matteo and other 5 boys share. The rooms may be private but they share the kitchen although it seems no one cooks. There are pizza boxes and chinese food and tacos but not a fry pan or something for cooking except the pot where Matteo is cooking pasta. He has his headphones on and moves to the rhythm of the music while stirring the pasta. 

All feels weirdly domestic and something tightens inside David's chest. 

Maybe in another universe.

Matteo still doesn't notice David so he takes the chance and grabs his sketchbook and begins to draw Matteo. He likes to draw people when they don't notice, capture the moments where they are just being themselves.

Finally Matteo seems to notice David.

“What is that?” he points to David's sketchbook. David can feel his cheeks turning red. “Mm...my sketchbook”.

“Can I see it?” Matteo looks at him with such puppy eyes David can't say no. He is careful to put a clip between the the pages he draw of Matteo. David hands Matteo his sketchbook. He is nervous, no one has see it except for his sister.

“The pasta isn't going to burn right?” David asks hoping to distract Matteo so he can resume cooking. “Nop, in fact is ready, now I am waiting for the sauce to cool down a bit”.

Matteo begins looking to David's drawings and collages.

“You are good” says Matteo with amazement in his voice and David feels a bubble of pride. Matteo keeps complimenting his work and he feels on the moon. It's scary how much power Matteo holds over him.

They finally sit down to eat and when David begins to eat he almost moan. Matteo can cook. He never could have guessed that. Matteo beams. “It's the best pasta you've ever tried, admit it”.

David fakes considering it. “Mmm...I don't know. I guess it's decent”.

“Take it back” Matteo fakes horror. 

“No” David teases. Matteo just rolls his eyes and continues eating. When they are done and David finish washing the dishes he is extremely nervous again. He needs to say it, the sooner the better.

“Matteo I…”

Matteo is already on the couch stifling a yawn. 

“Yeah?” 

David approaches the couch and sits next to him. Breathe.

“I'm sorry for being kind of...distant. I just…”

“It's okay, you don't have to tell me” says Matteo. 

“But I want to”. Matteo just nods while he waits patiently for David to talk. David looks at him, he could get lost in his blue eyes, he wanders to his lips for a second and quickly looks away.

“I...just had- have a lot of stuff going on and didn't want to talk to anyone really”. That was a lie, sort of. 

When he doesn't say anything else Matteo gets closer to him, their arms are pressing together and David tries not to think of the warmness that Matteo irradiates. 

“I get it. But...are you okay? I mean, obviously not okay okay, but are you better?” Matteo asks. David tries to think of an appropriate answer but all he can feel is Matteo's warm body and how now their thighs are also pressing.

“Yeah”.

I'm with you.

“That's good” they stay in silence but is not uncomfortable. 

“And you?” David asks. They both now he is referring to that time he saw Matteo running away.

“I don't know. I mean - I kind of lost it that day”. He looks down to his hands. “And...I actually started going a therapist, from the school”.

“That's so brave” David admires Matteo for having the guts to go. It's something extremely hard to recognize and ask for help.

“I don't know about it”.

“It is” David insists. He doesn't want Matteo to downplay his effort.

“I...don't know if I will keep going but it wasn't so bad”.

David just lets him talk. And when Matteo is finished David talks too. About how he wants to make films and travel the world. How art was an escape, it still is. How his sister means everything to him, how he doesn't cook and almost burn the kitchen once and Matteo tells him how he had to wait one year to go to university because his life was a mess and he wasn't sure of anything 

“And then I came here and though…” Matteo quiets down but David know how it feels.

“God, I hope this year is better than the last”.

“Exactly” Matteo smiled and David's heart fluttered. He is so gone and scared. But he also feels strangely brave and when neither of them moves or says anything, David gets closer and closer. 

He looks to see if Matteo is okay with this, he sees him looking at his lips and David knows there is no turning back. Against all reason, and all the promises he made himself from guarding his heart all he wants is Matteo. Their lips brush when someone shouts “Luigiiii”. They separate quickly. 

It's Jonas and Matteo's friends. David's heart sinks. 

Somehow their little bubble is not theirs anymore. He fist bumps with the others while Matteo introduces them as Abdi and Carlos.  
“This is David” Jonas says because Matteo is too busy playing with his hands. “A friend from the student council”.

A friend.

Matteo doesn't even look at him. 

“I should get going”.

“You're not staying? Come on man, we're gonna play Zelda”.

“Thanks, but I really need to get going”. Jonas nods and Matteo is now talking with Abdi about a girl called Sam. Maybe she is a girl Matteo likes. The thought makes him wanna throw up. 

“We should hang out sometime” says the boy called Carlos. David smiles, they seem like great guys and Carlos seems genuine. But he just wants to escape. 

“Yeah. Well, see you. Bye”. He doesn't look at Matteo either.

-

David is doing his own marathon of movies. Thankfully, Laura is out with her girlfriend so she doesn't have to see him drowning in pity. Normally, he leaves for the weekends the marathons but this is an special occasion. He needs the comfort of seeing fictional worlds to avoid reality. That afternoon he is seeing all the films nominated for best foreign film from the 2000's. 

He thinks the title is a bit dumb considering all countries can be foreign to each other but americans. He wants something that haves a bittersweet ending and he chooses Amores Perros, a film about three people from different social status whose lives intertwine when they all have an accident and their dogs play a significant part in the plot.

He is so enraptured with the film that at first he doesn't hear the knocks in the door. Laura surely forgot something. When he opens the door Matteo smiles shyly.  
“Hi. Again”.

“Hey”.

“Can I pass?” David lets him in and closes his eyes for a second. What is Matteo doing here?

“What is that?” Matteo asks and David hears the sound of a crash. It must be the accident on the film.

“Just watching movies”.

“Oh. And what are you watching? Wait. Surely it's a super obscure artsy film no one's heard about” Matteo jokes. It eases the tension a little.  
“More respect, this is not that obscure. It's pretty good actually, it's called Amores Perros”. David stumbles with the pronunciation.

“I stopped taking spanish for a reason you know?” Matteo is moving towards the sound, and into David's room. He should stop him. Say that he has no right when but he is realizing he can't say no to Matteo.

Matteo sits in his bed and David takes note on how easily would be to push Matteo into his bed and…

“Why they kill dogs?”  
“Huh?” David is caught staring at Matteo and he blushes.

“Actually there is a bet and he…”

Matteo is kissing him. At first he thinks he is hallucinating. But the pressure in his lips is real. Matteo is kissing him clumsily and David closes his eyes so he kiss him back when Matteo abruptly separates from him.

“Sorry. Sorry” he covers his face with his hands. “I didn't mean to..I...thought…

David grabs him by his sweatshirt. “Come here”. 

David didn't expect how soft Matteo's lips are, how gentle he is. 

At first they are just colliding but then Matteo opens his mouth and David deepens the kiss. Matteo grabs his hair and David pushes him down to bed and stumbles on top of him. He can't stop. When he hears Matteo moan he might explode there. 

He kisses Matteo fiercely, with all the desire he has since he met him. He pins Matteo down and begins kissing his neck which makes Matteo moan even more. That is now David's favorite sound. 

Matteo however struggles to move and for a second David stops, maybe he is making Matteo uncomfortable but Matteo just wants to switch up and have David by his side. 

He never felt more like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Btw, Jonas definitely sensed the vibes and made Matteo go after David in case you were wondering ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fic and since english is not my mother tongue I apologize for any mistakes I may have made. I love Davenzi so any feedback or comments will be appreciated a lot!


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